CNN HEADLINE NEWS IS A BIG TURD

Anytime I watch the television news I get severe dyspepsia, but recently I had the misfortune of watching CNN headline news.

You see, CNN often has long boring stories about John Edwards’ haircuts, so sometimes I just want to hear the top stories before work. They’ve employed some Asian doofus named Richard Lui, who insists on peppering the headlines with “funny” comments. Hey, more power to ‘em.

But this is not why I exploded with rage.

After an obnoxious commercial for Aricept, Richard Lui returns with a shocking headline. His quote: “Lettuce could help wipe diabetes off the face of the map!”.

At this point, I’m pondering losing many of my patients to the “miracle” cure. I am awed at the possibility of curing an epidemic that plagues America and causes so much morbidity and mortality. I await Richard’s next words with razor-like attention.

He goes on to say that a study from the University of Central Florida is working with genetically modified lettuce AND… researchers are going to test it on humans to see if it affects insulin levels.” THE END!

Well, the weight of the headline is belied by the fact that the "report" is lacking in any substance. I’m not sure why I expected anything more from “CNN Headline News”, but the story was so misleading, that CNN and Ted Turner really ought to say a million Hail Marys and Our Fathers before they can even THINK about forgiveness. Mr. Lui doesn’t even make an effort to explain how this mutant lettuce has one damn thing to do WITH diabetes. It’s all left to the imagination, as if some aliens had left the recipe buried in Hanger 51.

Well, every obese diabetic who has a Devil Dog in one hand, and their insulin in the other just caaaaaaalm down. First of all, it’s only a potential cure for Type ONE diabetics, not Type TWO (the ones we see in the office). Apparently, Professor Henry Daniell at UCF has created a way to deliver insulin-producing genes that he is infusing into lettuce. He previously used tobacco plants and fed them to diabetic rats. (He’s going to give them a heart attack, I tell you…) You can read more about it here.

So good job Richard and your CNN brethren. Way to pump up the hopes of 20 million diabetics in America with your “psudo” news article. You really are true human excrement.